Tweets In Response To Mueller Finally Finishing His Investigation Are Too Funny Not To Share
It took him two years, but Robert Mueller has finally completed his investigation into possible collusion between Donald Trump and the Russians, but an ending to this madness is still no where in sight. While the report summary written by Attorney General William P. Barr has found no evidence of Russian interference in Trump’s campaign, the president certainly hasn’t be exonerated despite what his tweets may say lately. So, as we all patiently wait for the full report to be leaked or published, people have taken to Twitter to help pass the time and some of these tweets are just too funny not to share!
On Mueller’s Lengthy Investigation
Mueller’s investigation may have taken much longer than people expected, but to be fair the guy was looking into something that is kind of important. That didn’t stop people from making jokes about some of the reasons that may have delayed the process.
Robert Mueller sweating in front of his laptop, staring at a Word doc containing only the words “The Mueller Report” and a blinking cursor— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 22, 2019
Sounds like every single college student on the night before a midterm paper is due as they wait for the Adderall to kick in.
What if The Mueller Report is taking this long because Robert Mueller is old and bad at typing?— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) March 22, 2019
Can’t you picture Mueller typing up his report at 30 words per minute using just his index fingers?
This takes me back to my college days…
Congrats to Robert Mueller on finishing before George R.R. Martin.— Jesse Spector (@jessespector) March 22, 2019
George R.R. Martin just read this tweet and killed off another beloved character.
The real reason Mueller’s report hasn’t been released to the public yet is that there isn’t a file server in existence that’s large enough to handle it.
On Mueller’s Reaction To Finishing His Report
Twitter is full of ways in which people are predicting how Mueller will be celebrating the completion of his report. Will he have a few drinks? Will he take a three-day nap? Only Mueller knows!
is Mueller going to get lit tn— Elaina Plott (@elainaplott) March 22, 2019
I know I would!
God it must feel so good for Mueller to close all those browser tabs.— Evie Nagy (@EvieN) March 22, 2019
Most of us know how truly satisfying that feeling is.
Mueller getting home to a DVR backlogged with two years’ worth of Real Housewives episodes— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 22, 2019
Yea, I can totally see him as a reality buff.
On Interpreting The Report
Are we actually going to read the report in its entirety? No. Unless someone’s paying you to read the report from start to finish and write a summary on it, you’ll be reading the bullet points with the rest of us. Or, you can use one of these unique ways Twitter-users have come up with to interpret the content.
Blue cupcakes mean collusion, pink cupcakes mean no collusion— David Freedlander (@freedlander) March 22, 2019
It’s the collusion reveal we’ve all been waiting for!
pp. 500-715: Dumbledore “merely bi-curious”— Patently Awful (@CANDPatent) March 22, 2019
It’s the Mueller report featuring all of his unwanted insights into pop culture.
They should have dropped the Mueller Report like U2 dropped on every iPhone.— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) March 22, 2019
They should release it in a series of tweets. At least then people will read some of it.
I definitely think the report I haven’t read supports the conclusions of the exact politics I hold and have been arguing for all this time. I love to be proven right!— Matt Bors (@MattBors) March 22, 2019
The perfect explanation of how all of Trump’s supporters have reacted to the release of Barr’s letter. They don’t even need to see the report.
UPDATE: We’re not sure what this means about the actual contents, but the Mueller report is in Comic Sans.— Disalmanac (@Disalmanac) March 22, 2019
Yeah, that seems to fit with the theme of Trump’s presidency so far.
On Low Expectations
It’s safe to say that even though Mueller’s investigation took two years, expectations are pretty low. If he found anything worth reading, it would be all over the news and Trump would be behind bars…right? According to the summary, there is evidence that the Russians successfully interfered with the election by hacking into computers and through the use of social media, which we already knew. It also states that the full report describes all of Trump’s actions that have been considered obstruction and offers evidence on both sides, but doesn’t come to any conclusions. He’s not guilty, but he’s not not guilty either. It took them two years to figure that out.
At this point I would not be surprised if the Mueller report ends with “oh and Eva Longoria did Watergate. Thank you.”— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 22, 2019
Well, in Mueller’s defense, he probably doesn’t expect anyone to read the report in entirety.
regardless of what the mueller report actually says, we can all agree everyone will be tweeting and photoshopping things it doesn’t. And that should be good for a few days of content— Dollars Horton Official (@crushingbort) March 22, 2019
We’re so fortunate to live in a country where people aren’t gullible enough to believe everything they read on the internet! Oh, wait…
I’ve been in Robert Mueller’s position before and let me tell you, he has not written shit— Tim Murphy (@timothypmurphy) March 21, 2019
That’s not true! He’s at home right now furiously typing, playing with the document’s font size and margins in an attempt to make it meet Congress’ minimum page requirements.
Weird choice for Mueller to release his report in the notes app but hey it’s 2019— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 22, 2019
Hey, Mueller is just keeping in line with the trends set forth by Trump’s presidency!
It would be kinda funny if the Mueller report is like Trump’s medical evaluation and it says that actually he’s a very good boy with big hands that didn’t do crimes.— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) March 22, 2019
It would be shocking if the investigation report didn’t include evidence of Trump’s natural hairline and average-sized hands.
People are putting all their hopes in the Mueller report even though they know they’ll never actually read it. This must be how it felt when the Bible came out.— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 22, 2019
BURN!
On Trump’s Response
Some of the best tweets to come out after the news broke that Mueller completed his report are those predicting what Trump’s response would be. Hilariously accurate, it’s SAD just how close some of these tweets come to the real thing.
At least Trump will be able to use his extensive time in prison learning how to read!
Of course, like the good little minions they are, Trump’s supporters will follow suit and miraculously forget how to read as well when the full report comes out.
Donald Trump is waiting for FOX news to analyze the Mueller report the way he wants and he has “NO COLLUSION” waiting in his drafts no matter the outcome.— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) March 22, 2019
Trump didn’t even wait for FOX news to analyze Mueller’s report for making his “NO COLLUSION” claims.
Hot take: no matter what the Mueller report actually says Trump will interpret the report as an exoneration and many of his tweets about it will feature explanation points and the word SAD in capital letters.— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) March 22, 2019
It’s almost like she’s writing Trump’s tweets herself.
Trump’s Actual Response
We all know that Trump didn’t actually read the summary of Mueller’s report as it’s four whole pages long, but someone must have told him what it said…right? Apparently, the president thinks that since no conclusion has been made yet that he’s been completely exonerated. Either he’s a moron or he received a different letter from Barr than the rest of us did.
No Collusion, No Obstruction, Complete and Total EXONERATION. KEEP AMERICA GREAT!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 24, 2019
That’s it, keep saying it and maybe you’ll be able to speak it into truth.
Robert Mueller was a God-like figure to the Democrats, until he ruled No Collusion in the long awaited $30,000,000 Mueller Report. Now the Dems don’t even acknowledge his name, have become totally unhinged, and would like to go through the whole process again. It won’t happen!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 2, 2019
Who’s unhinged? This sounds like a lot of lies.
No matter what information is given to the crazed Democrats from the No Collusion Mueller Report, it will never be good enough. Behind closed doors the Dems are laughing!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 1, 2019
Only time will tell if Trump’s tweets jumped the gun!
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